…Magnificent
“This life is beautifully ugly at times”
I can’t tell you for how many years I’ve found myself in this spot on my rooftop, contemplating life and the great mysteries of existence. I’ve cried here, laughed here, smoked cigarettes, wrote poems, talked to myself, to God, to Angels, to the stars, and to the sky. This spot carries the weight of my entire being. It knows my secrets. It knows of love that never was and day dreams. It knows my sadness and my happiness.
It has allowed for every ounce of pain to be released and renewed. I lifted the broken heart from my sleeve and held it, humbly and painfully, before the sea of steel. The city listened intently as I declared my madness and celebrated my solitude. Basked in loneliness. It was my place to wait patiently for the times to change, for love to arrive, for answers. Its the spot where I watched the moon to rise and fall, prayed for existential validation, begged the celestial beings for hope and peace.
It is where uncertainty has rattled my bones and success has graced my presence. Where the winds of change have wrapped me up and roared through the buildings. This spot has been the place of life-altering phone calls. Heart-shattering news. Mind-bending spiritual experiences. Its where I’ve discussed life’s most philosophically challenging questions with myself. Sitting here, always, in my best and worst. Hopeful, hopeless, lonely, lost, scared, fearless, restless, numb. It is the spot of my spiritual transformation and my personal evolution.
Today, was different. Today, I thought…. “This spot has never changed…but I have.” It was the moment I had fully acknowledged my evolution in totality. This is a pivotal moment.
It has been a three-year-long, profoundly transformational cycle. One that has thrown me to the wolves, emotionally and spiritually. I’ve been tested time and again, abandoned and betrayed, celebrated and rewarded. I willingly accepted the challenge to pursue the truth, got lost between worlds, and fought my way back.
I found the light at end of the tunnel, walked into it, turned around and volunteered myself back into the darkness—just to see if I could handle it.
It was a long journey of resistance, acceptance, and ultimate surrender. I sacrificed my innocence for strength, shedded my veil of naïvety to shatter illusions, and crushed my reality to gain courage.
The path of a warrior is a lonely one, and I willingly accepted this fate. I knew it would be hard, that didn’t stop me. In order to ascend, you have to be prepared for solitude and mental isolation. You have to accept the art of connection––to be connected but never attached. To let people come and go. To understand that not everyone understands.
I’ve reached the end of a cycle many times, but this time it feels different. This one feels infinitely profound. Beautiful and ugly all at once. It feels like the final cry. The last call. One last excruciating scream escapes from within, causing the entire city to crumble. The rooftop falls beneath my feet. I stand amidst the rubble and debris. A reality in ruin, presenting me with a golden opportunity. To begin again. To rebuild with brilliance. A well-earned, magnificent transcendence.